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You ever hear the saying give until it hurts? Well love is an action word and it is a gift. It can occasionally cause pain. When this occurs don’t choose not to love again and close your heart.

Psalm 119:76 “Let your constant love comfort me, as you have promised those that serve you.

Now it does not say that you will have no pain in loving but, that you must choose to believe in God’s unfailing love that does not disappoint.

I have had times when I must admit I have disappointed myself. In life we sometimes make a poor decision or say a thoughtless word that can hurt yourself, your relationship with other and surely it hurts our Father.

So, if I betray my own goals at times to be a loving servant. Surely, I must give others the same grace and mercy when they fall short.

When hurt we often wail, Why me? What did I do to deserve this pain?” But, when we choose to love there will be thorns with the roses.

When you open your heart to another they will do or say hurtful things. Ask yourself is this typical of them and they are showing me how they really feel or is this atypical and theya re acting out of character. Children are not the only ones that do things because they are tired and sleepy, hungry or just grumpy.

There are many hurts that can happen with love.

1. There of course is the pain of betrayal of your love. It can be a romantic love, a friend that you find out has been saying unbelievable things behind your back. A family member that you have been there for that does nothing but, malign your name to others.

2. Sometimes, our on choices in love can lead to anguish for self and others. I know families that are dealing with others choices to make bad decisions and misuse drugs and alcohol or lead a life of crime that costs in more than dollars but, tears.

2.There is the disappointment of another’s choice that leads to pain for them, the ones that love them and others.

3. There is a grieving pain when we have lost a loved one or dealing with a terminal illness of your own or a loved one. Yes, we know life and death go hand in hand yet, it leaves us brokenhearted with an empty space. A voice that once brought laughter has gone still. Loneliness becomes your new companion.

GRIEF HURTS!

Well meaning people say that time heals all wounds. Well that is not so. The real healer is the Holy Spirit. It comforts you like a well worn blanket. It does take time though. Find a support group or someone to listen. Allow yourself to cry. It is okay, He gave them to you. True healing is in His hands. He will be your hope and peace in the darkest hours. He can take marital discord and betrayal and turn it around. Allow the Spirit to do its work. Don’t give up on your spouse, your child, your friend or your church.

Pray and ask God for direction and be allow yourself to be lead not by how you feel but, what the spirit reveals unto you. How, read His word, talk to Godly friends who can keep a confidence, listen to spiritual music and allow the yourself to absorb his answer.

Pray this prayer: Holy Spirit help me to find my way out of my pain and grief. Help me to feel love and comfort from others that care and your love. Fill me with hope. I hold fast to your promise to make all things new.

Amen

Building a marriage takes more than any of us have inside ourselves. It is outside of ourselves but, in His will, His wisdom and His grace that we find the steps.

Use the bible to direct you and your mate in the correct path.

1. Appreciate each other uniqueness. I Corinthians 12:14-21 and Ephesians 4:2-7

Be open to change and don’t expect another to read your mind.

Accept each other’s differences and quirkiness.

Understand that your partner is not trying to drive you crazy.

You love and allow for difference is your children do the same for your spouse.

2. Stay on the same page Romans 8:26-30, Matthew 18:19-20, James 1:5, Proverbs 3:5-6

Pray together about small and large decisions.

Then, wait for God to answer sometimes, not in the way you expect.

Be open to and listen to your significant other.

Men: sacrificially love your wife, endeavor hard to hear your woman’s heart desire’s and meet her needs.

Women: Show respect and love your for your man.

Both: Run to God rather than from Him when problems come.

Finally, commit to stay together, no matter what. Don’t even say the words. Remember you promised. Let your yeah, be yeah and your nay, be nay.

Rest assured that God will never leave you or forsake you or your family.

Psalm 45:10a “Be still, and know that I am God”

Anyone that has children in their life and said at one time or another, “Be Still.”  Well we adults can be anxious and busy trying to fix every issue and problem with our mouth and our hands. God is saying Be Still! Enough! Stop running around. I got this. Will you trust me? No basket full of worry, day full of anxiety can change one thing.

When we do this it shows a lack of trust in God’s ability to work everything out for our good. I know you are thinking like me. I’ll take care of this little stuff and let him do the big stuff. Give him the big stuff like protection on the freeway and I’ll take care of this co-worker who is getting on my nerves.

No, no Trust in God for all things, Bear patiently, the cross and leave God to provide order from chaos.

Thank you God, for allowing us to bring our sins and worries to you. I ask forgiveness for trying to boss you around. Help me learn to wait on you and make me all you would hav me to be. In Jesus’ name.

Amen

Want a strong, loving relationship? Well I’m no expert but, I don’t think there is a to do list that will guarantee this. What I do know is that that are time proven steps to this challenging quest of making 2 become 1. Despite different upbringings, likes and, dislikes.

There are wonderful examples to follow and even examples of what not to do that can help all of us. The biblical principles of love and respect go a long way in helping us but, truthfully each couple has a different path.

So, you must walk forward hand in hank and make a path that works for the both of you.

Here are the first 2 steps I highly recommend:

1. Find a good church home that provides a solid foundation.

2. Get in the habit of spending time together and praying together and separately for your mate. It can be 10 minutes of walking around the block and allowing time to focus and keep a pulse on the thoughts of your loved one.

Too busy for this? Who isn’t busy? If you aren’t contact me and I will give you some items off my to do list. But, we must be careful as partners in a relationship that we don’t just check off daily items on our to do list and leave the partnership to flounder. If you don’t work at this resentment builds up, misunderstanding and walls build up between you and after a while a friend (male or female) knows more about your wants and needs than your spouse.

If you pray together. God will give you direction together and compassion and understanding for the other person’s point of view and where their heart is. Even if you don’t agree with the issue this understanding will guide how you deal with each issue.

I. Cancer is when abnormal cells grow to the point that they interfere with the normal functioning of the body’s systems.  So, as a body can have cancer so, can a relationship.

And if you think of the havoc is does to the human body. Leave the cancerous lesions to spread throughout the family and love can turn into a terminal illness.

II. Fidelity comes from the The Latin word fidēs, meaning “faith”. Words from the Latin fidēs have something to with being faithful. Fidelity is faith or loyalty. To confide in someone is to show trust in the person by telling her or him a secret.

So, what is Fidelity?

It is the act of being loyal or faithful. So, can you be unfaithful without sexual intercourse. A resounding yes is the answer. It can be that you tell someone else (male or female) your innermost thoughts, dreams, secrets and, feelings.

It is your spouse that you should be sharing these with. So, if you are not then you must ask yourself why, not? Do you not feel safe to do so, do they not seem to care, do you feel you will made fun of or belittled, is your spouse not present (in mind or body)?

Or, does this apply to you and how you treat your partner so, that they no longer share with you and instead drown themselves in work, alcohol or, other vices and resign themselves to the status quo.

These attitudes in a marriage or slow death, an insidious cancerous killing any and all sparks of life that exist.

III.  When cancer is enclosed in a shell and not spread yet it is called in situ cancer.

We enclose the good stuff in our heart and mind inside of a mask to protect ourselves from disdain, disgust, dismissal and, leave ourselves in a dismay of feeling unloved.

Summary: When was the last time you opened a crab up? Inside that thick and tough shell is moist tasty meat. This is why crab meat is so popular. It’s moist, soft, and succulent. However, to get to that soft meat, you have to peel back that hard outer shell.

Peel back your own shell and inject chemotherapy. Be vulnerable. Ask your partner to be vulnerable. Share that you miss your intimate times and how things used to be and want their help to return to and improve on that feeling. Be honest and forthright.

What do you have to lose? A disease that imposes its will and creates a life of retreat (withdrawal) and re-treatment. You are more than that. God put you together. Don’t let the devil win. Put him on notice by praying for you and your spouse separately and together to be healed and whole.

God bless you and your family.

Yvette

One of the greatest battles we face in relationships is about money. It is easy to say for richer or for poorer in the vow but, how do you apply this in our day to day struggles. Maybe he wants to save for the future and she wants to wear the latest fashions. Or she is thinking about college for the kids and he wants a new truck.

How do we decide who wins? Well the first thing is to set the priorities together while ensuring that overall it is the marriage that comes out as the victor.

Talk it out. Discuss your reasons for wanting to do it a certain way. Maybe you have seen out college debt has burdened you and don’t want that for your children.

Look internally for the what is really not as important as the why.

Look to the scripture. Does God care how you spend the money He has trusted us with? Pray for guidance from God asking Him to help the both of you to be excellent stewards of the gifts He has given you as a family.

Complaining is easy. Sometimes even fun. Especially when compared to the work of creating a plan for positive change.

Step 1: Ask for what you want!

When I go out to eat I don’t tell the waiter give me something delicious. What if I were to say,” I have no idea what I want but, when I taste it I will know.” No, that wont work. Clarify your desire and BE SPECIFIC.

P1: Pushback When the urge to whine, wail, curse and, moan occurs. Don’t do it! I know it is a buzzkill. But, take a deep breath. Push back against the emotional urge to react too quickly or to overreact. Be a No Drama Queen or King.

That being said, it is important that we learn about managing emotions rather than allowing our emotions to manage us. For example, when we feel angry, it is important to be able to stop, identify that we are angry, examine our hearts to determine why we are angry, and then proceed in a biblical manner. Out-of-control emotions tend not to produce God-honoring results: “Human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires” (James 1:20).

P2: Possibilities Release the urge to find fault and find energy for imagination.  Maybe all is not what it appears. Is it possible, that there is another explanation or reason for what is happening?

Eccles 3:1 – 4. (refers to times, which are seasons) .It reads..”To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up (harvest) that which is planted;

Try pretending you are the other person.  Even if you are right and the person has wronged you. Maybe it isn’t the right time, place or way to discuss the situation. Act like you are Cinderella and have to wait until the fairy godmother comes. There is a time and place for everything under the sun. Don’t tweet, Facebook, Instagram, act out in public, etc. Think before you act!

P3: Preferences Think about the preferences that work for you and your spouse. Allows answers to come. Be open to new thoughts or ideas. He may enjoy cooking and you like working in the yard. That’s cool. Your relationship doesn’t have to look like your parents or anyone else.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.(Philippians 4:8)

P4: Pinpoint the real problem. It can be hard to admit what is happening inside sometimes. Like a toddler that needs a nap but, refuses to take one’ the only way is forward even when it is not pretty. When you focus on the exact problem you can give a specific solution. The solution may raise eyebrows but, so what?

Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth. (II Timothy 2:15)

P5: Pull back As if directing a movie or play. Think what would make the scene better. Could I speak softer or kinder? Are there better words to express the issue without name calling and violence. Pull back and check your perspective. A Perspective answers the “why” questions.

Lack of perspective is a mark of spiritual immaturity (1 Corinthians 3:1-2). In contrast, having perspective is evidence of spiritual maturity. Hebrews 5:14: ” But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil.”

There are many benefits of learning to see everything from God’s perspective:

P6: Practice makes perfect. Give it a try. If nothing else has worked what do you have to lose.

Intentional loving is not waiting for a special occasion like Valentine’s Day or a Birthday to show your appreciation for your spouse.

It is intentionally, each day thanking God for your helpmate being here to love and carry the burden of life with you. Pray for their well being.

Be intentional by verbally showing your love and being affectionate toward each and every time you have the opportunity.

Is your spouse sometimes prickly and hard to love. this is the time when they need you even more. Don’t take it personal or withdraw. Reach out with prayer for them, with them and small gestures to show you care even when they don’t express what is wrong.

It may be that they have stresses that they don’t want to upset you with. In these trying times  there may be work pressures and economic stresses for many of us. It could also be physical in nature like the general unwell feeling when coming down with a cold.

Try and be patient and supportive and give them time to discuss what is bothering them without adding to the issue by demanding they talk.

        Remember the wise words of the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 13:

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

These 4 behaviors can be fatal to the health of a marriage:

1. Criticism versus Complaint. A complaint addresses only the specific action at which your partner has failed. A criticism is global. It attacks the mate’s character or personality. Here is an example: Complaint: “There is no gas in the car. I’m aggravated that you didn’t fill it up like you said you would.” Criticism: “You never remember anything! You can’t be counted on for your word!”
2. Contempt. Contempt is composed of a set of behaviors that communicate disgust. It includes, but is not limited to: sneering, sarcasm, name calling, eye rolling, mockery, hostile humor and condescension. It is primarily transmitted through non-verbal behaviors. It does not move toward reconciliation and inevitably increases the conflict. It is always disrespectful. Research shows couples that display contempt for each other suffer more illnesses and diseases than respectful couples.
3. Defensiveness. These behaviors convey the message, “The problem is not me. It’s you.” From this position you imply that, because your partner threw the first stone, they are responsible for the entire conflict. You avoid taking responsibility for your own behavior by pointing to something they did prior to their complaint about you. You do not acknowledge that which is true in what they are saying about your behavior.
4. Stonewalling. In relationships where intense arguments break out suddenly, and where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness, and where more contempt leads to more defensiveness, eventually one partner tunes out. This is the beginning of stonewalling. The stonewaller acts as if he/she couldn’t care less about what the partner is saying or doing. He/she turns away from conflict and from the relationship. Any form of disengagement can be stonewalling.

Work on these killers and turn these behaviors around in addition to praying for your partner and the relationship as beginning steps to success and happiness of your relationship.

Look for more next week!

Love,

Yvette Cheeks

So, in honor of MLK Day the wife and I went to see the new movie, Hidden Figures. I highly recommend it for all races and genders. I think especially, empowering to the young females in any family.